take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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