Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
