Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
