remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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