You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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