Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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