If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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