every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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