in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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