Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
