I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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