So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
