you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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