i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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