If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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