my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
