I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
