I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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