I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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