I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
