hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
