She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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