I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
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