he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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