Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I enjoy the company of your penis
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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