At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
