Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
