so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
