everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
