If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She told me I should be a condom model.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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