saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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