I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
