my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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