I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
