that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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