one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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