i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
