He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
