Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
