Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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