Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
