I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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