I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
