I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
