I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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