the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
