As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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