alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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