so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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