I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
