Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
