so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
