Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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