I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
