mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
