They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
