my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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