so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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